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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,977 --> 00:00:07,882
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:07,949 --> 00:00:11,189
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
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So, Brian's checkup went very well.

11
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He only bit me eight times
while I tried to brush his teeth.

12
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Wonderful. And does he have
the red, hairless undercarriage

13
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- of an older dog?
- He sure does.

14
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He's the Jason Alexander
of hairless scroti.

15
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And you know, if you're interested,

16
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we're doing a 50% off promotion

17
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on our new, state-of-the-art
tracking chip.

18
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It connects to an app that
will monitor Brian's vitals

19
00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:55,878
and even has a Bluetooth speaker

20
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so you can play songs through him.

21
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Awesome! I'm gonna blast Ed Sheeran

22
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right through his stomach.

23
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That'll really showcase
my milquetoast personality

24
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and lack of masculine vigor.

25
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Great. I'll introduce you to our nurse

26
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,501
who handles the procedure.

27
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Hi, I'm Emma.

28
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And don't worry, I'm wearing
scrubs that hide my tattoos

29
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to give you confidence.

30
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Terrific. And now, like in
every hospital situation,

31
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I'll depart and a woman
will do the actual work.

32
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Okay, we're almost done.

33
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And you're all set.

34
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[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

35
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[PETER] Yeah! Playin' Ed
Sheeran through my dog!

36
00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:29,212
I'm like a cool dentist!

37
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Wow, I barely felt
that. You're very gentle.

38
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[CHUCKLES] Thanks. I love animals.

39
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It's why I do this.

40
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I even pride myself on being
able to find every dog's spot,

41
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right behind the ears.

42
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Well, maybe you can find mine sometime.

43
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I'd be tempted to ask you to coffee,

44
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but I'm sure a girl like you
is already seeing someone.

45
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I wish. Guys don't want a girlfriend

46
00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:49,953
who comes home smelling like dog pee.

47
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I'm practically a fire hydrant.

48
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Is-is, uh, is, uh, is that right?

49
00:01:53,861 --> 00:01:56,232
Yeah, and my car's so filthy.

50
00:01:56,332 --> 00:01:58,069
I need someone to stick
their head out the window

51
00:01:58,170 --> 00:01:59,171
to help navigate.

52
00:01:59,238 --> 00:02:00,407
H-Head... head out the window?

53
00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:03,146
To be honest, all I like
to do is play tennis,

54
00:02:03,212 --> 00:02:04,649
but I'm not even that good.

55
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I keep hitting the balls over the fence

56
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and have no one to retrieve them...

57
00:02:08,090 --> 00:02:10,394
Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in.

58
00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:13,133
Well, I'm going to a
concert this Friday.

59
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Want to come? It's at Quahog Church.

60
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Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock?

61
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Yeah. I'm an evangelical Christian.

62
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Is that a problem?

63
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- Well, I-I'm not really a big fan of...
- There's your spot.

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[ANNOUNCER] ¡Gol!

65
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Sorry, I interrupted
you. You were saying?

66
00:02:36,747 --> 00:02:40,888
I-I... why, just that I'm not
a big fan of anything, but Jesus!

67
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He's the best! [CHUCKLES]

68
00:02:42,457 --> 00:02:44,730
Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker.

69
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Neuter yourself, dick.

70
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I know, what a jerk.

71
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Wasn't he also accused
of sexual harassment?

72
00:02:49,907 --> 00:02:50,975
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

73
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The dog stuff though, you know, come on.

74
00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:59,526
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now return
to The Italian Tony Awards.

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Hey, I'm Tony, and for
the 30th year in a row,

76
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the best musical is the only
one that I've seen, Cats.

77
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[AUDIENCE MEMBER] Hey, you hear that?

78
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Tony likes a musical.

79
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Eh, pipe down, boombots.

80
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Everybody knows in high
school you had an earring.

81
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,821
All right, I'm going out.
I'll see you guys later.

82
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What's that around your neck?

83
00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:22,104
Well, I, uh, I may have a
date with a Christian girl.

84
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Huh. Must be hard for you not to bite

85
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what's essentially two crossed sticks.

86
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Oh, my God, it's so hard.

87
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It's literally all I can think about.

88
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But I-I really like
this girl, you know?

89
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She's perfect in every other way.

90
00:03:32,391 --> 00:03:33,528
I don't know, Bri. You really think

91
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you can convince her you're Christian?

92
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Oh, you're good.

93
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[BAND PLAYING]

94
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Hello, evangelicals!
Who out there is boring?

95
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We are!

96
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That's right! And before we start,

97
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I'd like to say a special hello

98
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to our only Black audience member,

99
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who's in the front row,

100
00:03:56,707 --> 00:03:59,779
so he's caught on all the camera shots.

101
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:03,821
Wow. Look at all our diversity.

102
00:04:03,888 --> 00:04:06,459
Can you believe most
people think us evangelicals

103
00:04:06,526 --> 00:04:08,196
are a bunch of nerdy losers?

104
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No. Come on.

105
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Seriously, it's true.

106
00:04:11,369 --> 00:04:13,841
Hey, I-I don't normally do this,

107
00:04:13,907 --> 00:04:17,047
but what do you say we go
back to my place after this

108
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and get a little crazy?

109
00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,621
- Really?
- Yeah.

110
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We'll eat sherbet and watch
funny State Farm commercials.

111
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Uh, okay, and, and then we'll have sex?

112
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Sex? Brian, I'm Christian.

113
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And no good Christian believes
in sex before marriage,

114
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except for every minister or
politician you've ever heard of.

115
00:04:34,481 --> 00:04:37,823
But-but you scratched my
spot. Y-You have tattoos.

116
00:04:37,889 --> 00:04:40,293
Yeah. Of Bible verses.

117
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[SIGHS] Brian, I think you should leave.

118
00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:45,647
Well, fine. And frankly,

119
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I've been wanting to do this all night.

120
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- My Jesus! Mine!
- [GASPING]

121
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Hey, you can't do that to our savior.

122
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- [GROWLING]
- Okay, okay, your savior. Your savior.

123
00:04:58,864 --> 00:05:01,335
[ANNOUNCER] We now return
to a show about incest.

124
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- Gross.
- Set 500 years ago.

125
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Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated.

126
00:05:06,145 --> 00:05:07,381
Christianity sucks.

127
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,485
It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense.

128
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You're horny and she
wouldn't have sex with you.

129
00:05:11,389 --> 00:05:13,026
No. And I did everything right.

130
00:05:13,126 --> 00:05:14,529
I even researched abortion clinics

131
00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:15,653
in case the condom broke.

132
00:05:15,664 --> 00:05:17,801
Yeah, no, I know. It's
in your Twitter bio.

133
00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:21,196
_

134
00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:22,779
Fine, but look around.

135
00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:25,083
So much of the division and
hatred in today's society

136
00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:27,955
comes from Christianity.
And it's so hypocritical.

137
00:05:28,022 --> 00:05:30,293
I mean, they all vote for
Trump, even though he's divorced.

138
00:05:30,427 --> 00:05:31,429
That's all you've got on Trump?

139
00:05:31,495 --> 00:05:34,602
Christianity is also
anti-science, anti-freedom...

140
00:05:34,669 --> 00:05:36,138
Come on, it's not all bad.

141
00:05:36,238 --> 00:05:39,546
I mean, I have a Swarthy Men
of Nazareth advent calendar

142
00:05:39,646 --> 00:05:42,184
with doors opening for all 25 days.

143
00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:44,923
Talk about the "stars"
of Bethlehem, hey, Bri?

144
00:05:44,989 --> 00:05:46,960
Whatever. Christianity
is the worst thing

145
00:05:47,027 --> 00:05:49,165
that ever happened to
this country. Or the world.

146
00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,570
Well, perhaps. But it's
been around for 2,000 years,

147
00:05:51,637 --> 00:05:53,941
so it's not like there's
anything you can do about it.

148
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:55,076
Well, I'm going to bed.

149
00:05:55,176 --> 00:05:56,446
I'll leave you to watch John Oliver

150
00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:57,782
and agree with yourself.

151
00:05:57,882 --> 00:06:00,988
Good. Love John Oliver.
He's a louder Jon Stewart.

152
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:05,063
[JOHN OLIVER] Blimey, guv'na.
Republicans are bollocks.

153
00:06:05,096 --> 00:06:06,633
God, the British are smart.

154
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,471
But, man, if only I could
get rid of Christianity.

155
00:06:09,539 --> 00:06:10,741
If only I could go back in time

156
00:06:10,808 --> 00:06:13,046
and stop it from ever taking root.

157
00:06:13,112 --> 00:06:14,916
Wait a minute, I can.

158
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[THUNDER CRASHING]

159
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[WEST] Sounds like Brian is fixin'

160
00:06:17,789 --> 00:06:19,726
to use Stewie's time machine.

161
00:06:19,826 --> 00:06:21,495
[SPED UP] I'm Mayor West,
and my voice was sped up

162
00:06:21,563 --> 00:06:23,399
because the show ran too long.

163
00:06:35,725 --> 00:06:37,060
[BEEPS]

164
00:06:37,127 --> 00:06:39,365
[COMPUTER VOICE] This time
machine is password-protected.

165
00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:41,136
To enter, state name.

166
00:06:41,202 --> 00:06:43,205
Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin.

167
00:06:43,305 --> 00:06:45,143
To prove you're Stewie Griffin,

168
00:06:45,210 --> 00:06:47,047
what is your favorite Lizzo song?

169
00:06:47,081 --> 00:06:50,187
Uh, the one about pride and, uh,

170
00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:52,525
being a... a-a big girl?

171
00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:53,927
- Correct.
- [CHIMES]

172
00:06:55,898 --> 00:06:58,069
[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

173
00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,506
Perfect. Ancient Israel.

174
00:07:16,573 --> 00:07:18,511
♪ And I know my worth... ♪

175
00:07:18,611 --> 00:07:19,879
What the hell?

176
00:07:19,979 --> 00:07:21,149
Has anyone seen Brian?

177
00:07:21,215 --> 00:07:22,685
I want to shred it to Lizzo.

178
00:07:22,785 --> 00:07:24,388
Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch.

179
00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:26,994
- ♪ Am I ready? ♪
- ♪ Ready to go ♪

180
00:07:27,061 --> 00:07:28,095
♪ Am I ready? ♪

181
00:07:35,978 --> 00:07:38,584
Uh, excuse me? I-I'm
looking for a rail-thin guy

182
00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:40,420
with long hair and sandals.

183
00:07:40,487 --> 00:07:42,926
Buddy, you're gonna
have to be more specific.

184
00:07:42,993 --> 00:07:45,363
Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ.

185
00:07:45,430 --> 00:07:48,504
You mean the guy who showed
his wiener on a dare at camp?

186
00:07:48,571 --> 00:07:50,473
Tha-That's-that's what he's known for?

187
00:07:50,541 --> 00:07:53,379
Yeah, he lives about
M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way.

188
00:07:53,413 --> 00:07:54,749
- What?
- Don't listen to him.

189
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,055
He's Roman. I'm Egyptian,
and I can tell you,

190
00:07:58,122 --> 00:08:02,263
Jesus lives four cat heads and
three squiggly lines that way.

191
00:08:02,330 --> 00:08:03,901
No, no, no, these guys are jokers.

192
00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:07,141
I'm Greek, and I can tell
you he's 30 thetas that way.

193
00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:08,877
You go 31 thetas, you stop,

194
00:08:08,944 --> 00:08:11,115
because that's too many thetas.

195
00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:14,454
- Brian, there you are.
- Stewie?

196
00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:16,626
- How the hell did you find me?
- You're chipped.

197
00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:19,231
Wow, that's a good chip.

198
00:08:19,297 --> 00:08:21,736
Look, I'm sorry I used the
time machine without asking,

199
00:08:21,837 --> 00:08:24,709
but I came here to stop Jesus
from starting Christianity.

200
00:08:24,809 --> 00:08:26,445
What? Come on, you know the rules.

201
00:08:26,513 --> 00:08:27,716
You can't change the past.

202
00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:29,719
Even the smallest
interaction with someone

203
00:08:29,786 --> 00:08:31,255
from another time period can alter...

204
00:08:31,289 --> 00:08:34,227
Oh, my God, that's December
8th from the calendar!

205
00:08:34,238 --> 00:08:35,431
I have to interact with him.

206
00:08:35,442 --> 00:08:37,212
I thought you said we
couldn't change the past.

207
00:08:37,223 --> 00:08:38,827
Uh, yeah, just try to
keep it close, all right?

208
00:08:38,838 --> 00:08:40,741
Just keep it close, Bri. You got this.

209
00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:42,645
You got this. I trust you, bro.

210
00:08:46,719 --> 00:08:49,525
"Spicy meatball delights patron."

211
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,565
Ugh, no one reports real news anymore.

212
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,470
All right, found you.

213
00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:58,008
Now it's time to take you down.

214
00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:02,819
Behold. As my wedding gift,

215
00:09:02,885 --> 00:09:05,958
I turn this water into wine.

216
00:09:06,025 --> 00:09:07,595
[CHEERING]

217
00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:09,197
- All right!
- Amazing!

218
00:09:09,264 --> 00:09:11,837
And I brought hard
seltzer and a photo booth.

219
00:09:11,937 --> 00:09:13,607
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah, that's even better!

220
00:09:13,674 --> 00:09:15,210
Hard seltzer has less calories.

221
00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,082
And now there's an activity for
people who don't like to dance.

222
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,923
Then, uh, I-I also
brought a guest book,

223
00:09:21,990 --> 00:09:24,328
so everyone can leave a fun note

224
00:09:24,394 --> 00:09:26,064
for the bride and groom.

225
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,139
Okay, fine, a photo booth is better.

226
00:09:36,251 --> 00:09:38,591
Blessed are the poor in spirit,

227
00:09:38,602 --> 00:09:40,818
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven...

228
00:09:40,829 --> 00:09:41,969
[BRIAN] Hey, Jesus.

229
00:09:41,980 --> 00:09:43,288
Nice mount.

230
00:09:43,299 --> 00:09:45,838
He's on a higher hill,
which shows more confidence.

231
00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:48,544
You again? What the
hell is your problem?

232
00:09:48,611 --> 00:09:49,979
Me? What the hell is your problem?

233
00:09:50,112 --> 00:09:52,483
You're always telling
everyone what to do and think.

234
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:54,021
You think I want to do this stuff?

235
00:09:54,121 --> 00:09:56,560
I only do it because my dad makes me.

236
00:09:56,627 --> 00:09:58,329
Wait, Joseph makes you do this?

237
00:09:58,429 --> 00:09:59,899
No, my real dad.

238
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,705
When I was younger, Joseph
took a paternity test.

239
00:10:02,839 --> 00:10:06,179
We have the results, and, Joseph,

240
00:10:06,245 --> 00:10:07,915
you are not the father.

241
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,489
Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it!

242
00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:14,929
[AUDIENCE] Maury! Maury! Maury!

243
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:22,812
So, anyway, yeah, all this
messiah stuff is my dad's thing.

244
00:10:22,879 --> 00:10:25,617
Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus?

245
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:27,120
Oh, cool.

246
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:29,859
Okay, I guess it's for both of us.

247
00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:32,598
Well, if you don't want to be a
messiah, what do you want to do?

248
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,036
Honestly, I want to
be a stand-up comedian.

249
00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:38,143
- Really?
- Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason

250
00:10:38,209 --> 00:10:41,248
or Lewis the Blacksmith
or Chris the Rock-Piler.

251
00:10:41,315 --> 00:10:44,187
You know, we can ask
for another menu if...

252
00:10:44,254 --> 00:10:45,691
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.

253
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,862
So, why didn't you do comedy, then?

254
00:10:47,929 --> 00:10:49,465
I guess I never had the confidence.

255
00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:51,035
I couldn't even come up with jokes.

256
00:10:51,135 --> 00:10:54,976
- [SNEEZES]
- Yikes. Check out Julius Sneezer over there.

257
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:56,173
Ha! Totally.

258
00:10:56,184 --> 00:10:57,486
Hey, you know, that's pretty funny.

259
00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:59,217
What was? That comment?

260
00:10:59,228 --> 00:11:00,228
[FARTS]

261
00:11:00,239 --> 00:11:02,076
Whoa. Who Sepharted?

262
00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:05,230
Ha! Hey, you know, I think you
should give comedy another shot.

263
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,868
Come on, does anyone really
want to watch a Jewish guy

264
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,873
make snarky observations?

265
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:13,112
I-I think, uh, that a lot of
people would enjoy that, yes.

266
00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:15,885
Huh. Then maybe I
should try comedy again.

267
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,723
Only thing is, I'd
have to talk to my dad.

268
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,401
♪ ♪

269
00:11:24,468 --> 00:11:27,241
Wow, I went to a party
in this city called Sodom.

270
00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:29,579
Have you heard of this place? [WHISTLES]

271
00:11:29,646 --> 00:11:30,814
So, how's your plan going?

272
00:11:30,914 --> 00:11:32,518
Uh, not great so far.

273
00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:33,754
A comedian?

274
00:11:33,821 --> 00:11:35,256
How could you do this to your mother?

275
00:11:35,267 --> 00:11:36,536
- [SOBBING]
- What's next?

276
00:11:36,547 --> 00:11:38,786
You don't want to marry
your very close cousin?

277
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,499
Of course not. In fact, right now

278
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,674
I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute
with the same name as Mom.

279
00:11:43,774 --> 00:11:45,176
[SOBBING]

280
00:11:45,276 --> 00:11:47,749
Come on, Dad, comedy is my dream.

281
00:11:47,815 --> 00:11:49,753
Well, why couldn't you have
told me about your dream

282
00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:51,656
before I paid for ancient Brandeis?

283
00:11:51,689 --> 00:11:52,725
You made me go there.

284
00:11:52,791 --> 00:11:55,230
You know, nothing I do is
ever good enough for you.

285
00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:57,201
Why don't you just say it? You hate me.

286
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,437
And you wish I had
died in the Punic Wars

287
00:11:59,538 --> 00:12:01,241
instead of my brother Greg.

288
00:12:02,143 --> 00:12:04,515
That's not true! I
love you both equally!

289
00:12:04,582 --> 00:12:05,851
Then why won't you touch his room?

290
00:12:05,951 --> 00:12:07,387
You stay out of Greg's room!

291
00:12:07,453 --> 00:12:08,824
I have to do something.

292
00:12:08,891 --> 00:12:11,295
It's God. How could you
possibly change his mind?

293
00:12:11,362 --> 00:12:13,867
You will never do stand-up
comedy. I forbid it.

294
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,270
["DANNY'S SONG" BY LOGGINS
AND MESSINA PLAYING]

295
00:12:15,336 --> 00:12:17,174
Wait. What's that sound?

296
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:21,950
♪ People smile and tell
me I'm the lucky one ♪

297
00:12:22,017 --> 00:12:25,925
♪ And we've just begun ♪

298
00:12:25,991 --> 00:12:28,095
♪ Think I'm gonna have a son... ♪

299
00:12:28,229 --> 00:12:29,933
That's really good sound quality.

300
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,203
- Yeah, it's the new iPhone.
- You got a new one?

301
00:12:32,270 --> 00:12:35,243
We agreed to update at the end
of the year, as Christmas gifts.

302
00:12:35,310 --> 00:12:37,280
Well, I was in the mall
and I saw a promotion.

303
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:39,018
You didn't tell me about this promotion.

304
00:12:39,084 --> 00:12:40,787
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't
realize I had to tell you

305
00:12:40,854 --> 00:12:42,692
every [BLEEP] thought
that comes into my head.

306
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:44,863
Okay, there we go,
Brian makes a mistake,

307
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,735
so instead of apologizing,
he lashes out with hostility.

308
00:12:47,802 --> 00:12:50,006
And Stewie's a victim.
There's a big surprise.

309
00:12:50,106 --> 00:12:52,411
I'm a victim because you
constantly screw me over.

310
00:12:52,545 --> 00:12:54,883
You know what? Now I wish I
hadn't even played this song.

311
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:56,586
I wish I hadn't even come back in time.

312
00:12:56,719 --> 00:12:57,755
Because I can't do anything

313
00:12:57,822 --> 00:12:59,491
without you making it about yourself.

314
00:12:59,626 --> 00:13:00,861
God, I regret our friendship.

315
00:13:00,928 --> 00:13:02,330
You are a catastrophe of a human.

316
00:13:02,430 --> 00:13:03,867
Oh, hey, they made up.

317
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:10,346
♪ Tell me everything's
gonna be all right. ♪

318
00:13:14,789 --> 00:13:17,861
[TRUMPETS BLARING]

319
00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:24,341
Well, it's great to
be here in Rome, folks.

320
00:13:24,408 --> 00:13:27,047
Uh, you know, I heard
that the, uh, Roman Senate

321
00:13:27,113 --> 00:13:29,852
just voted to build
more cobblestone streets.

322
00:13:29,919 --> 00:13:32,490
Great. Do my balls get a vote?

323
00:13:32,591 --> 00:13:34,127
[LAUGHTER]

324
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:37,568
And how about that Caesar,
huh? Gotta love Caesar.

325
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:39,171
Great salad, great haircut,

326
00:13:39,271 --> 00:13:41,776
and loves cutting women's bellies open.

327
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:42,923
[LAUGHTER]

328
00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:44,938
Look at him there, in
the Caesarian section.

329
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,385
They're laughing their ass off.

330
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:48,222
I do. I do love that.

331
00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:50,360
And you know what they
say, "When in Rome."

332
00:13:50,427 --> 00:13:53,232
Well, based on my one day here so far,

333
00:13:53,298 --> 00:13:56,773
I guess that means I should
be pooping in the street.

334
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,445
He's right. That is a problem here.

335
00:13:59,512 --> 00:14:02,785
But seriously, folks, Rome
sure beats anywhere else.

336
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,221
You guys follow politics?

337
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:07,193
'Cause it seems like they've
made a real mess of Potamia.

338
00:14:07,293 --> 00:14:09,832
[LAUGHTER]

339
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:13,072
But don't fret, folks, it's
not all bad news out there.

340
00:14:13,139 --> 00:14:15,410
You know how there are
seven wonders of the world?

341
00:14:15,477 --> 00:14:17,147
Well, turns out they
just found an eighth.

342
00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:20,086
A Galatian who paid his bar tab.

343
00:14:20,119 --> 00:14:21,956
- [LAUGHTER]
- Galatia is our rival.

344
00:14:22,023 --> 00:14:23,727
But enough about politics.

345
00:14:23,827 --> 00:14:25,864
Let me tell you a little bit about me.

346
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:29,159
- So, my dad's God.
- [CROWD CHEERING]

347
00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:30,574
Thank you, thank you.

348
00:14:30,641 --> 00:14:33,813
And growing up, he taught
me all about carpentry. Yeah.

349
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,784
Uh, I guess he thought teenage boys

350
00:14:35,851 --> 00:14:38,657
should spend more time rubbing wood.

351
00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:39,893
[CROWD LAUGHS]

352
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:42,030
And my mom's a virgin.

353
00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:43,398
That's fun. Uh, yeah,

354
00:14:43,432 --> 00:14:46,338
when I was a teenager, I
had to give her the talk.

355
00:14:46,438 --> 00:14:47,641
[CROWD LAUGHS]

356
00:14:49,646 --> 00:14:52,050
[CHEERING]

357
00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:53,385
Wow, he's killing it.

358
00:14:53,452 --> 00:14:55,356
Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now.

359
00:14:55,423 --> 00:14:56,559
He's gonna be huge.

360
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,936
- What happened?
- He told a joke

361
00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:04,007
about Assyrians on a college campus.

362
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:05,342
Oh, yeah, you can't do that anymore.

363
00:15:05,442 --> 00:15:08,015
This first millennial
generation is very sensitive.

364
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,919
- Clearly.
- All right, don't make it obvious,

365
00:15:09,986 --> 00:15:12,123
but get a picture of me with him.

366
00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,595
- Do one more.
- Stewie, we're done.

367
00:15:14,662 --> 00:15:16,633
Mission accomplished and
Christianity never happened,

368
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:19,739
so I'm pretty sure the present
will be just how I want it.

369
00:15:19,772 --> 00:15:21,074
[PETER] Hi, Peter here.

370
00:15:21,174 --> 00:15:23,245
If you've seen our time
travel episodes before,

371
00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:24,982
you know that can't
possibly be the case.

372
00:15:25,082 --> 00:15:27,320
I can't tell you what's
going to happen, though,

373
00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:29,024
because the network
needs you to stick around

374
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:30,092
through the Del Taco ads.

375
00:15:30,159 --> 00:15:31,696
You know, if you bought
all the ingredients

376
00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:34,201
for tacos yourself, it
would cost like 40 bucks,

377
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:37,273
but somehow, at Del Taco,
you can buy one for 80 cents.

378
00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:56,178
- Damn it.
- What? What's wrong?

379
00:15:56,278 --> 00:15:58,182
Every time I enter into a new reality,

380
00:15:58,316 --> 00:16:00,086
I'm hoping my room has wainscoting.

381
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,056
[SIGHS] But I guess it's more boring,

382
00:16:02,123 --> 00:16:04,427
single-textured walls for Stewie.

383
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,937
Wow, so far, without Christianity,

384
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:10,541
everything looks the same.

385
00:16:11,342 --> 00:16:13,547
Morning, Brian. Hey,
where's your yarmulke?

386
00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:14,782
Uh, what?

387
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,051
Morning, Doctor Son.

388
00:16:16,118 --> 00:16:17,688
Morning, Doctor Dad.

389
00:16:17,788 --> 00:16:18,957
Morning, Doctor Wife.

390
00:16:19,023 --> 00:16:20,594
Morning, Doctor Husband.

391
00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:22,296
Oh, my God. They're all Jewish.

392
00:16:22,363 --> 00:16:24,969
Whoa. Listen to your tone.

393
00:16:25,069 --> 00:16:26,404
No, no, no. No tone at all.

394
00:16:26,506 --> 00:16:28,308
Because Christianity never happened,

395
00:16:28,375 --> 00:16:29,979
Judaism became the dominant faith,

396
00:16:30,046 --> 00:16:31,817
and I have zero problem with that.

397
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,052
Why, do you have a problem?

398
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,956
No, I don't have a problem. Far from it.

399
00:16:35,023 --> 00:16:37,595
What the yidle-diddle-diddle-
didle-deuce?

400
00:16:37,661 --> 00:16:41,435
Well, I'm off to school in
my regular-star necklace.

401
00:16:41,446 --> 00:16:42,459
I'm leaving, too.

402
00:16:42,470 --> 00:16:44,642
Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes.

403
00:16:44,653 --> 00:16:45,699
Is it okay if I stop at

404
00:16:45,710 --> 00:16:47,948
Ross Dress for the Same
Price as Everywhere Else?

405
00:16:48,015 --> 00:16:49,952
Of course, honey. Ooh, and maybe tonight

406
00:16:50,085 --> 00:16:52,123
we can all go see
that new movie starring

407
00:16:52,223 --> 00:16:55,330
Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and
half of Scarlett Johansson.

408
00:16:55,396 --> 00:16:57,835
Huh. So, you think
everyone is Jewish now?

409
00:16:57,968 --> 00:17:00,173
Morning, Griffins.
It's me, your neighbor,

410
00:17:00,239 --> 00:17:02,444
Sammy Davis Brown Jr.

411
00:17:02,545 --> 00:17:03,657
I suppose so.

412
00:17:03,668 --> 00:17:06,106
Wow, I guess a lot of
history has changed now.

413
00:17:06,117 --> 00:17:08,389
No World War II, no
conflict in the Middle East.

414
00:17:08,456 --> 00:17:10,259
Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus.

415
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:13,566
We did it. We discovered
New York, Miami,

416
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:14,936
and Filene's Basement.

417
00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:16,105
[ALL] Yay!

418
00:17:16,171 --> 00:17:18,543
[CHANTING] Slacks,
slacks, slacks, slacks!

419
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,655
Lot more sweater shops in this reality.

420
00:17:24,755 --> 00:17:27,728
Yeah, and there's a billboard
for The Normal Mrs. Maisel.

421
00:17:27,795 --> 00:17:29,330
Ah, here we are.

422
00:17:33,539 --> 00:17:35,376
Shalom, Brian.

423
00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:38,182
Boy, this town has good medical care.

424
00:17:38,249 --> 00:17:39,919
Are you sure I'm allowed to be in here?

425
00:17:39,985 --> 00:17:41,288
Yeah, without Christianity,

426
00:17:41,355 --> 00:17:43,425
there are no arbitrary
rules about age limits.

427
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:45,196
Hey, you guys hear the new joke?

428
00:17:45,229 --> 00:17:47,935
A rabbi, a rabbi, and
a rabbi walk into a bar

429
00:17:48,002 --> 00:17:49,605
and split a seltzer.

430
00:17:49,706 --> 00:17:51,474
It's free refills.

431
00:17:51,576 --> 00:17:53,980
Why pay for three?

432
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,020
All right, what does everyone
want to hear on the jukebox?

433
00:17:57,087 --> 00:17:58,656
They've got "Sweet Caroline,"

434
00:17:58,756 --> 00:17:59,926
"Sweet Caroline Remix,"

435
00:18:00,026 --> 00:18:01,829
and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella."

436
00:18:01,896 --> 00:18:03,634
Shalom, boys.

437
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,570
Uh, shalom. How are you?

438
00:18:05,604 --> 00:18:08,009
Not good. I'm allergic to my horse.

439
00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:09,344
Hey, Bri, I got the remote.

440
00:18:09,444 --> 00:18:11,014
Let's see what television is like.

441
00:18:11,114 --> 00:18:13,118
[TV ANNOUNCER] And now,
the Channel Five News,

442
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:15,691
brought to you by
Kentucky Boiled Chicken.

443
00:18:15,791 --> 00:18:17,359
Kentucky Boiled Chicken:

444
00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:20,433
All herbs, no spices 'cause
you already burp enough.

445
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,003
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker

446
00:18:22,103 --> 00:18:23,439
and welcome to Channel Five,

447
00:18:23,540 --> 00:18:26,679
where, as always, 80% of
our news is the weather.

448
00:18:26,746 --> 00:18:29,184
But first, with sports,
here's my brother Lenny,

449
00:18:29,251 --> 00:18:30,954
who my mom forced me to hire.

450
00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:32,190
I-I'm sorry, Tom,

451
00:18:32,257 --> 00:18:33,593
I didn't have time to check the scores.

452
00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:36,431
Well, there's a friggin' shocker, folks.

453
00:18:40,305 --> 00:18:41,709
[IN DEEP VOICE] Afternoon, Brian.

454
00:18:41,742 --> 00:18:44,314
Hey, Mort. Uh, why
is your voice so deep?

455
00:18:44,381 --> 00:18:45,583
Why shouldn't it be?

456
00:18:45,650 --> 00:18:47,253
Millennia of not running from people

457
00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:50,026
has made me remarkably
confident and relaxed.

458
00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:52,063
You know, I like Jewish Quahog.

459
00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:53,498
Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie.

460
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:55,938
A Jewish world is much
better than a Christian one.

461
00:18:56,038 --> 00:18:59,545
There are no absurd, stifling
rules driving everyone crazy.

462
00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:01,616
There you guys are.

463
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:04,454
It's almost sundown, so
let's turn off our devices

464
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:06,859
- and walk three miles to temple.
- What?

465
00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:09,330
Ha! You were saying, Brian?

466
00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:11,034
We have to go back in time

467
00:19:11,134 --> 00:19:13,773
and stop Moses from receiving
the Ten Commandments.

468
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,446
That way, neither Judaism nor
Christianity will ever exist.

469
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:18,683
On it.

470
00:19:20,185 --> 00:19:22,123
- Done.
- How'd you do that so fast?

471
00:19:22,224 --> 00:19:24,261
I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away.

472
00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:25,530
And before you say anything,

473
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:26,999
that was a lot of money back then.

474
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,569
Anyone would have done it.

475
00:19:32,377 --> 00:19:34,280
Happy November 25th.

476
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,953
Only 30 shopping days till nothing.

477
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:38,221
Brian, it worked.

478
00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:39,592
That's only half the story, Stewie.

479
00:19:39,659 --> 00:19:40,827
Let's make sure.

480
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,766
Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate?

481
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:46,639
Uh, all of his ex-wives,
but no generalized group.

482
00:19:46,739 --> 00:19:48,710
It did work. Finally, a world with

483
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,283
no religion, no prejudices,
no irrationalities.

484
00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:54,788
- Just science-based reason.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

485
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:57,160
Package for Brian and Stewie?

486
00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:58,630
Yeah, that's us.

487
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,572
What did you do, you little twerps?

488
00:20:00,583 --> 00:20:02,994
- Oh, my God. God!
- Fix it. Fix it.

489
00:20:03,005 --> 00:20:04,441
- Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!

490
00:20:04,509 --> 00:20:05,844
It was his idea! It's
not even my machine!

491
00:20:05,944 --> 00:20:08,683
You don't think Einstein and
Carl Sagan tried this crap?

492
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,453
I had to send them to Noogie City.

493
00:20:10,464 --> 00:20:11,512
Is that where you want to live?

494
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:13,694
Noogie City? Huh? 'Cause
I can take you there.

495
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:14,895
I got the keys, hoss.

496
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,331
[BOTH GRUNTING]

497
00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:17,901
Is this all religion is?

498
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:19,337
Threatening to noogie people

499
00:20:19,404 --> 00:20:20,707
if they dare to think for themselves?

500
00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:23,211
Yes. I'm basically Biff
from Back to the Future,

501
00:20:23,311 --> 00:20:24,581
and you're all George McFly.

502
00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,351
All right, I got to take
a picture of the package

503
00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:28,188
on your doorstep, or
they don't believe me.

504
00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:29,525
You're really a delivery man?

505
00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:31,227
Yeah. No collection plate.

506
00:20:31,294 --> 00:20:33,098
I got to pay for Dish Network somehow.

507
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:35,202
Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy.

508
00:20:35,303 --> 00:20:36,939
I guess we should go fix it, Brian.

509
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,175
You know what? No.

510
00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:40,680
A world without religion
is a world that values

511
00:20:40,747 --> 00:20:43,251
reason and logic to better
the world for everyone.

512
00:20:43,318 --> 00:20:45,189
And I'm not gonna let
some two-bit boomer...

513
00:20:45,289 --> 00:20:47,126
yeah, you heard me... tell us otherwise.

514
00:20:47,193 --> 00:20:49,063
[KNUCKLES CRACK]

515
00:20:49,130 --> 00:20:53,940
♪ Christ the royal master ♪

516
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,281
♪ Leads against the foe. ♪

517
00:21:01,758 --> 00:21:06,758
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -